Recovering sex and love addict: ‘I thought my only value was sex’

In “Unlovable,” out Friday on video-on-demand, a younger girl suffers one humiliating affair after one other till she realizes she’s hooked on love and sex. Charlene deGuzman, the actress who performs her, is aware of the territory: In co-writing “Unlovable,” which co-stars John Hawkes and gained the “gamechanger” award at this 12 months’s SXSW Movie Pageant, the 34-year-old drew on her personal addictions. The California native tells Barbara Hoffman in regards to the compulsions that almost destroyed her — and what lastly drove her to hunt therapy. There’s a scene within the film the place my character, Pleasure, wakes up in a wierd mattress with a unadorned stranger on prime of her. She walks out, previous different bare males, and somebody palms her some money. That didn’t occur to me precisely, but it surely was a mirrored image of quite a lot of the experiences I’ve had throughout my habit. For almost 20 years, I wished so badly for somebody to love me, I’d do absolutely anything. After I instructed somebody I beloved him, what I actually meant was, “Do you love me?” My mother and father, who emigrated from the Philippines, by no means talked about their emotions or actually confirmed love. I didn’t slot in, as a result of I talked rather a lot, and there have been so many emotions I wished to specific. My father was obsessive about girls, and the storage was coated with Playboy and Penthouse centerfolds. At some point, after I was residence alone, I discovered a porn video and watched it. I believe I was 5, and I felt one thing in my physique I had by no means felt earlier than. I didn’t know what I was doing, however I saved doing it. By the primary or second grade, I was obsessive about boys, always writing about them in my journal. I had my first boyfriend in eighth grade: Jack, the preferred man in center college. I was 14 after we first had sex, on the lavatory ground of a buddy’s home. It didn’t final lengthy, as a result of I began crying. It harm, it was gross. I don’t bear in mind who broke up with whom. After that, I jumped from boy to boy. I even adopted one to Arizona State College, the place all the ladies appeared like those within the centerfolds — white girls with blond hair and blue eyes. It crushed me, as a result of I knew I’d by no means appear like them. I felt ugly and suicidal. I began stripping in golf equipment and it felt like the reply to all my issues. “Wow, I can earn a living and get consideration from guys,” I thought, which is all I ever wished. ‘If a man was unavailable, I’d use sex to get his consideration.’ I moved to New York in 2005, quickly after I turned 22, to pursue theater. I performed drums in center college, so I auditioned for “Stomp.” I bought in, however after they couldn’t rent me full time, I appeared into stripping. Not one of the golf equipment then would rent ladies with tattoos, like me, however I discovered a swingers’ social gathering on Craigslist. I was sexually assaulted a number of occasions that night time, and left with out making a lot cash. I thought, “If I’m going to compromise myself, I ought to earn more money for it.” All through my 20s, my consuming was actually unhealthy. Each time I binged, it was as a result of I was hurting over some boy. If a man was unavailable, I’d use sex to get his consideration. Or, if guys had been obtainable, I’d push them away by having sex with another person. I had had so many bottoms, you’d suppose I’d do one thing about it. Nevertheless it wasn’t till one boyfriend broke up with me that I virtually killed myself. That was within the winter of 2015 in Los Angeles, the place I dwell now. We’d gone out for nearly two years, however the relationship wasn’t working. I’d learn a e book about love and sex habit and began a 12-step program, however I thought the conferences had been silly, as a result of I believed I was nonetheless in management. I relapsed quickly after. We connected once more, briefly, and then he ghosted me. I paced round my condo for hours. I thought, “I’m damaged, I’m unlovable, I can’t dwell like this anymore!” I appeared for a knife, however they had been all uninteresting. I appeared for drugs, however didn’t have sufficient. I thought, “The place do I even discover a bridge to leap off?” Then, he known as. And after I noticed his image and title come up on my cellphone, it felt like a drug washed via my physique. That’s after I knew I was a sex and love addict — the ache vanished simply from seeing his title! After that man dropped me, I began taking this system severely. I bought sober: no relationship, no masturbation, no sex. It was the toughest factor I’d ever accomplished, and the very best. I’d met a pair on a religious retreat, each recovered addicts, and we’d speak in regards to the resentment I felt towards my mother and father. They helped me notice that my mother and dad had been human beings, simply folks like me, who had no concept what they had been doing and by no means modeled what wholesome love was like. To at the present time, I see that couple each Sunday for dinner. Two years in the past, I began a relationship plan. It’s basically about going gradual and attending to know somebody earlier than you’ve gotten sex. I’d by no means not had sex first — all of my boyfriends earlier than that had been drunk hookups, so for me to have sober espresso dates and stroll away was empowering! I began seeing my boyfriend two years in the past. We don’t dwell collectively, however we undoubtedly need to in some unspecified time in the future. Nearly on daily basis, I get messages from individuals who’ve seen “Unlovable” and say they join with me. Earlier than, I thought my only value was sex. Now, I notice I’ve rather a lot to supply. [embedded content] Share this: https://nypost.com/2018/10/31/recovering-sex-addict-i-thought-my-only-value-was-sex/ The post Recovering sex and love addict: ‘I thought my only value was sex’ appeared first on My style by Kartia.